Kate Upton Is Well-Marbled

kate upton fat hungry
Look out everyone - Kate Upton is hungry!

Did you know that humans are 80% genetically identical to cows? Well, allow me to prove it to you…

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Guess who?! Yes, it’s the lovely Kate Upton, confidently lumbering up a runway like there’s a buffet at the end of it. Now, there’s nothing wrong with an average girl like Kate being confident. She’s pretty, she bangs down the runway like she owns it, and I totally commend her for her bravery.

Fairer views of Kate in the same outfit are here:

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And I still ask: what the heck? Has fashion become this? Well – we know it hasn’t, so let’s not pretend this is fashion. She looks thick, vulgar, almost pornographic – and she is a solid 30 lbs too heavy for this outfit.

Which gets me to – what the HELL IS THIS??? Choices, people!!!

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I thought cannibalism was illegal?!? If that’s not a very different species of cow, Kate could be in legal trouble!

So gurls, with my apologies, let’s take a closer look at this little piggie:

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Huge thighs, NO waist, big fat floppy boobs, terrible body definition – she looks like a squishy brick. Is this what American women are “striving” for now? The lazy, lardy look? Have we really gotten so fat in this country that Kate is the best we can aim for? Sorry, but: eww!

The sudden surge in fame for Kate Upton makes me wonder how much further our plus-sized fixation is going to go. It’s not that the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue was ever high art, but thanks to Kate Upton securing this year’s cover, it’s now barely a notch above Playboy.

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Fashion is supposed to be aspirational – and the kind of people who aspire to look like this shop for clothes at Wal-Mart.

It’s all very much too bad, because at the beginning, there was some hope for her:

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Seriously, what a beauty! She is absolutely gorgeous here. I feel for her agent – I can almost hear the weeping. What beautiful eyes and face she started with – there was actually potential for her before she fell in love with… stuffing her face!

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Look, I’ll admit – I love In’n’Out as much as the next gurl, but it’s not supposed to be an everyday thing, Kate! And we can be sure that Kate is the rare model who poses with food – and then actually devours it.

She doesn’t just look vulgar – she’s also never afraid to act the part:

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Gee, what do you want in that glass, Kate? *shudder* – seriously, this looks like the cover of some crappy porn movie. “Kate Upton stars in: Hillbilly Gokkun, Volume 1” sounds about right – she is easily the most “porny” model to enter the mainstream in a very long time. She looks like she would work in the back of a motorcycle shop in Nashville and give (bad) blow jobs for $25.

The poor girl is 19, but looks like a rough 30. She’s 150+ lbs, but dresses like she’s 115.

She actually looks pregnant here, but I suspect it’s just the result of shapewear or corset abuse:

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Yes, yes, I know that every tobacco-chewing, beer-drinking, shotgun-toting, NASCAR-watching man south of the Mason-Dixon line would love to get into her pants (or, as they say down South, “into her tent”, which in her case is the same thing) – but most of those guys wouldn’t know a beautiful woman if she jumped out in front of his pickup truck.

Even though I have my disagreements with Victoria’s Secret, I can agree with them on this. Sophia Neophitou, one of their casting directors, said this of Kate:

“We would never use her… she’s like a Page 3 girl… she’s like a footballer’s wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy.”

I agree with that sentiment, but this is not a face I’d want to buy:

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This girl belongs deep in the gutter of American commercialism – so don’t get any crazy ideas about her being a fashion model, OK?

[UPDATE: Please read this important statement about my views on self-harm.]

[Comments and discussion are welcome in the forums.]

2 thoughts on “Kate Upton Is Well-Marbled

  1. Pingback: Kate Upton: Fat or Flawless? | StyleCaster

  2. Pingback: Amy Schumer to Glamour: I’m not plus-size – CNN.com | Forevervogue

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